Wednesday, 2 August 2017
I AM FREEEEEEE….
I haven’t posted in while. You know what they say… time flies when you’re having fun… or is it just not enough time to achieve all I want to achieve in this short life especially when I’ve wasted too much time on the wrong people! It is so important for me the boys have the right guidance which I never got!
Still, I’m glad I’ve found my own way even if the path has been bumpy, hilly, curvy, led to dead ends and back again!
The last few weeks have been super hectic. I’m finishing my dissertation, taking professional skills test in literacy and numeracy, sitting a skills knowledge enhancement course in computer science, still writing and most importantly of all, supporting the boys, especially Lucas who has had a tough few weeks at the hands of adult bullies at school. Passive aggressive behaviour is abhorrent! Thankfully, he has left there now and moving on to High School. He is SO ready for it.
I feel guilty I cannot take them on holiday this summer but they tell me they’re happier at home… chilling. They’re such great kids.
One thing my past has taught me is, bullying and stigma can stay with you and affect your decisions throughout your life unless you actually break the cycle. Breaking it is extremely tough and heart breaking at times. It takes a special kind of strength but I really believe we all have it in us and if we feel we can’t do it alone, we need to seek help. It really does make an enormous difference to life – to decisions, to relationships and to self-confidence.
I’ve broken through so many barriers this year and broke another one last night! I went to a concert on my own. It was an intimate concert. In my twenties and thirties, I would go anywhere on my own but then Meniere’s robbed me of my confidence. When the concert was announced I spent the usual self- analysis of ridiculous “What if…” but ignored my own mind and followed my heart. The fear is definitely worse than the event. It did feel uncomfortable approaching the venue as if I had a huge sign above my head “single Meniere’s Mum”! Once I was inside and at the stage… I bloody loved every minute of it!
Paul Heaton and Jacqui Abbott are truly amazing artists who have got better with age yet remained totally unchanged. Paul’s music has been with me all my life – marriage, births, deaths and divorces. His music has been the constant throughout all the ups and downs. He and the BareNaked Ladies are my “go to” music when I need a pick me up – they are my comfort blanket!
It was the first time I had been to the Brudenell Social Club – what a great venue and what great staff they have. Super impressed.
So, from losing everything to Meniere’s, I am about to finish my Masters in IT, start a PGCE in Computer Science and I am finally free from all the shackles of bullying and low self-esteem, to pursue my own hobbies and interests. I am no longer afraid of what people think. I am no longer imprisoned by the self-doubts. I am totally in control once more. I AM FREEEE.