Sunday, 30 April 2017
Meniere's scared me today. I went out canvassing for the election and had a drop attack within ten minutes of being out. Honestly… I am not safe to be let out! The hardest parts of it - the embarrassment and frustration. It resulted in cut hands, knees and ankle. I did carry on and finished but this afternoon I’ve been laid up. I feel like I have been in the ring with Anthony Joshua (what a brilliant fight last night, by the way). The blurred vision and sickness has subsided now but the brain fog has not lifted. I can’t move fast so laid up writing this with my eyes shut – yes, I have learned to type with my eyes shut! Quite an achievement.
I have so much to do and know I have pushed myself too far which now means I have at least 24 hours of rest! It’s such a pain… in the you know where!
I am determined I will campaign for a Labour Government led by Jeremy Corbyn but I may have to concede it is not quite safe enough for me to be let loose on the streets! If you follow this blog you will know I have never been shy in sharing my socialist beliefs. I don’t buy into the selfish “I’m alright Jack” attitude and I don’t believe the majority of human beings do either.
Jeremy Corbyn is a decent, hardworking man full of honesty and integrity. If you want a “normal, rehearsed and groomed” MP he is not your man. I am sick of hearing soundbites and pre- written spin doctor rhetoric. It is time for a change. I want to hear sincerity, from the heart. It is time for a man who is not afraid to stand by his principles and cannot be bought! Equality and justice runs through his veins. Listen to his speeches – it is not “me” or “I” – it is we and us! We can do this people. Please do not stand by and watch people suffer – homelessness, poverty and disability discrimination and harassment. Please do not stand by and watch the national debt rise whilst public services are starved of cash. Have you ever wondered where the money has really gone? Jeremy Corbyn has already changed the course of history. People are now asking questions and engaged in the debate. The Tories thought they could ride rough shot over everyone…they can think again! Personally, I don’t see how anyone with a heart can turn their back on the most vulnerable in our society – helping others and being a community are true British values.
Last night I attended Richard Burgon’s campaign launch with the formidable Dennis Skinner. Thirty-three years ago, during the miner’s strike, I first listened to Dennis speak in Barnsley. He blew me away then and has not changed one single bit. An incredible socialist and thoroughly wonderful human being. It was Richard’s uncle, Colin who took me to that first meeting. I have a lot to thank him for.
Just remember it is tough standing against the crowd but absolutely necessary to stand by the truth
This week, I’ve been working on a new plan for a screenplay along with trying to finish five… yes five Master’s papers. I can say without doubt the Masters has been the hardest project I have undertaken but strangely I am the happiest I have ever been. I do love a challenge but maybe need to accept I am only a dizzy human.
That is all I can manage today. Have a great bank holiday (UK) and don’t stop following your dreams. HOPE is what we all have and it’s not taxed or banned… yet!
Saturday, 8 April 2017
Bullying builds an artificial wall of isolation
For a long time, I thought I needed someone with me to fix me. I realise what I needed was time to fix myself. When a child asks an adult for help against unfair treatment and injustice, you don’t expect to hear, “this is how all families behave.” I put off having my second child because I was afraid Wes would suffer the way I did. Being alone and being ganged up on are the worst feelings in the world.
I needed this single time to make sense of my past. I look at how close Wes and Lucas are now and how other families behave and know what I experienced was… just plain… wrong. Going it alone was a hard decision but the right decision. As Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.” I’ve stopped blaming myself for other people’s bad behaviour. I gave too much respect to the wrong people and didn’t respect myself enough to stop it until last year. I naively thought if I gave more love, it would make them stop and love me back. Now I see the flaws in my logic!
I want people to understand they don’t have to put up with bad behaviour from ANYONE. Don’t accept what makes you miserable. In the last twelve months, the transformation has been incredible. Yes, I have confidence issues but I’ve forced myself out of the comfort zone – you can’t get much further than comfort than a Masters and writing! I have found an inner peace I never thought existed but most of all, I have forgiven myself for my naivety and misplaced loyalty.
My family’s time is now. The love and bond we have has strengthened hundred-fold in the last twelve months. We argue, debate, laugh and cry but fundamentally we have each other’s backs. That is priceless and all I ever wanted. The boys have taught me true, unconditional love. A new cycle has started and the future is amazingly exciting.
The hardest thing for me is opening up and telling my story. I simply don’t trust anyone. Why would I? I’ve had a lifetime of people using my “weaknesses” as sticks. Writing this is making me so anxious. However, I don’t want other people to suffer in silence.
Bullying builds an artificial wall of isolation. You don’t know who to trust but worse it has been drilled into you that no one will believe you! A lifetime of ‘you’re too sensitive’ takes its toll. I am teaching myself to build new relationships with genuinely, lovely people. In the words of one of my absolute heroes “it’s just like starting over”.
Pin your colours to the mast
I have had a bit criticism on social media this week over my outspoken political views. I want to make it clear – I AM A VERY PROUD SOCIALIST. NOW is the time to pin your colours to the mast.
This week I was devastated at the images coming from Syria BUT just as devastated with
How much better would the world be if we scrapped all labels and referred to everyone as human beings. Every life matters not some more than others!
In terms of the UK, I am totally disgusted with the ongoing attacks on the disabled and people who have found themselves in tough times. I am a single mother and it is tough BUT I am not a scrounger. I am not in this position because I chose it! I am the one that did not desert my children because circumstances changed. People need to stop listening to the divisive crap being peddled and start to think logically for themselves. I have more in common with a Mum in Syria trying to keep her children safe, than I do with an elite politician who votes to take £30 per week off disabled people whilst taking a £76,000 basic salary! It is gross abuse of public office.
Okay… now breathe… LOL.
I am off now to York with Wes and Erin. Have a fabulous weekend.
Wednesday, 5 April 2017
I have found it really tough this week. Money… or lack of it, Masters work, writing, Meniere’s, keeping the house going and looking after the boys is a tough ask for anyone. I wouldn’t have it any other way but some days I have this overwhelming feeling of the odds being so heavily stacked against me that I can’t continue. It is compounded by the anger I feel towards the people who psychologically abused me. It’s a never-ending battle of no longer wanting them to influence my life whilst trying to come to terms and get over the damage they did to my self-esteem and self-confidence. It is hard to explain how much damage is done by people telling you your gut instincts are ridiculously wrong when it turns out those instincts were perfectly right all along. It is a real art form for someone to lie to your face whilst doing what they categorically deny doing. This has a knock-on effect to all future relationships because you don’t know who you can trust. Manipulation is a terrible human trait. I am on the mend but accept it is going to take a lot longer than I anticipated to get over all of this. I need to give myself a break. My stubbornness and my drive to ensure the boys are proud of their Mum will not allow me to give up.
Kicking all negativity out of your life, does give you clarity. I don’t think I would have analysed and accepted the pain of my past without putting my foot down and stopping the circle of abuse. I certainly would not have been able to do a Master’s degree and write the way I am now. Nor would I have had the relationship I have with the boys. We are stronger and closer than ever. We all have peace in our lives and we enjoy each other’s company. Everything is natural and calm.
|From my boys|
I have five Masters papers to write before the 13th May so a meltdown this week was not ideal. I do pick my moments! I am only human… I think I’ll have this printed in huge letters above my bed so I remind myself of it every morning. I do believe the only way you can recover is to hit the problems head on… what I was not prepared for was the realisation of the impact of my past hitting me square in the face, some days more than others. However, to those bullies… up yours!! We are doing fine!
I am so thankful I have Wes and Lucas. Wes is so strong and able to calmly discuss this with me. It is so important to have someone to talk to who understands the pain. Today is much better. I still have brain fog and feel a bit like I’m only just returning to my body. Nevertheless, I have done lots of research and sorted out all the urgent tasks. I will not give up and I will not let my past define me. To anyone struggling now… talk to someone. Don’t suffer in silence and you don’t have to accept a situation that causes you distress. This is your life… yours.
I’ve made mistakes, I’ve trusted the wrong people but I have two fabulous boys, a brain that works… most days and the drive to prove to myself I can succeed. I can and I will one task, one day at a time.
I have so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to. Spring has sprung!
I’m off to do more research on agile governance and IT. Wish me luck… and thank you, for your support and generosity.